PART 3 Growing up in your 30's; The letting go of fairy tales

Once upon a time I believed in "happy ever after". I believed,when I went to family gatherings and saw all the smiles and hugs, that famillies were happy and this was how all healthy famillies should look....... 100% of the time.  

I guess some might say I was naive and oblivious to the truths that went on behind all the chocolate birthday cakes and parties.  Famillies are all dysfunctional in love, their is no "normal". We are loving each other from fear and conditions, it is part of the ego that we as humans are here to master.  It is in our DNA to repeat family patterns of the unconscious, unless we bring them to the light, we will continue to be slaves to the shadows of the past.

Looking back on my childhood, I often felt like an alien. I remember looking to the skies and talking to whomever and whatever might be out there, listening and asking questions, about this thing we earthlings call "life".  I remember observing many adults and famillies go about their robotic lives, without questioning any actions and seemingly, very purposeful. 

I often asked adults about these activities, "Why do we have to go to school?" "Why do we have to have money? or work 9-5?" most adults, looked at me dispprovingly. At times I was told, I was "living in the clouds" when I challenged their purpose.  I got used to the scoffs and decided that perhaps I was "off with the fairies".  I think I made a decision at some point that while ever I could be "off with the fairies" then I would!  I made a point of balancing daydreaming, observing and conforming to fit into the tribe.

I recall the excitement of my imagination at all the possibilities of the future and at the time believing I could do all of it. Time seemed to go on forever.

Reading stories especially Enid Blytons "The magic faraway tree" and "The wishing chair adventures" I felt, I was in them.  I was flying, visiting faraway places, meeting exotic people and having a wondrous time. 

I was lucky enough to be allowed to own horses and would chat to my pony daily and believed we were communicating.  Childhood was a wondrous time for me, full of adventure, freedom and exploration.

I resisted being "brought down to earth" at school and I resisted my parents attempts to reality check me from time to time.  By the time my sister and I were 14, we were still playing with legos and barbie dolls.  I guess I liked and enjoyed living in my fluffy cloud world and in this place, I was an explorer, wandering the lands.  

I could tell you many stories of our imagination fuelled play times, from haunted shacks in the bush, to fairys in mushrooms and horse riding adventures that took us days to complete.  In short, despite the adapting environment and societies need, to grow us up, we resisted pretty well.  

Observing the adults, my peers and society, I often had questions and I remember asking my mother about the ozone layer, child poverty and I even wrote a letter to Prime Minister Bob Hawke about polution. I was 9.  My mother always told me not to worry about those things..... 

I remember having to tell myself often that Australia was safe and that living here was safe from natural disasters.

I told myself not to think of the animals that are suffering as you can't do anything about this, so don't think about it.  I could not even watch Bambi as a child without feeling sad, let alone Lion King. 

It was a learnt behaviour that if I did not like the feeling of something, then to pretend it wasn't happening and go into my imagination and distract myself.  One of the ways to distract myself from the world and filter out the negativity, was to be social and invite others into my space all the time. Failing that there was TV.

Having children young and running off to Western Australia to real live adventures, meant that I was able to continue connecting to the childhood wonders through my children. I believe that despite the sudden jerk in to motherhood responsibilities, my children benefited from my youthful outlook and imagination.   Santa and I really did have board meetings on a regular basis to discuss the logistics of next xmas and who would be receiving presents.  

My 20's and early 30's was spent battling the inner conflict of my inner childs needs and my adult needs.  It seemed the gap between the two was growing, there was separation of self.

This of course played out in many scenarios, particularly and most prominantly in my relationship as my teenage inner child was rebelling against my adult self and in turn my adult husband.

At the time I was angry, frustrated and confused and disgusted with the outside world.  The worst part was, I no longer had an escape in to my imagination or other creative pursuits.  I'd forgotten to see the fairies and life had made me feel without purpose. I was a full time mother of 3 and was struggling to even know my own needs in favour of theirs and my husbands.

Looking back this was the time that I had started to lose faith in the fairy tale, however my child self still believed in it. There was a distinct inner battle of dragons and princesses, between structure and freedom.

It is funny how after a series of events that the ripples can move one into integrating parts of the self to eventually start reconnecting inner child to adult.  After many years of hard personal work and journeys I have finally moved in to a new phase of my adult hood.  An acceptance of sorts.  A more integrated version of me is now emerging.

Fast forward to the last few months and I feel I have finally climbed down out of the tower that I had built myself into, NO longer waiting like Rapunzel, saying goodbye to Prince Charming (AKA Shrek version) and started to wander off into the forbidden forests. 

Finding my white horse and being fear-less to ride alone without the need for approval.  Being open and aware of the realities, however noticing the beauty in all things, seeing the opportunities and not being afraid of feeling pain, as it is also an opportunity for growth.

Ready to find adventures and create a new story with substance, depth and creation, a story that challenges norms and changes the course of things for the better.  A never-ending story that evolves as I do, that has many happy moments, it ends with the last breath I take.